i need to get a grip. Really everythings gone wrong. I lose my girl, i lost my world, i lost my job, i lost my dog, i lost my dad, i lost weed, clothes, money, friends, where has it all gone? I lost my girl i guess cuz i smoked too much weed and didnt go out with her enough. I lost everything when she left. I lost my job which kept me afloat, i lost my dog which helped me in times of need, i lost my dad which broke my family apart, ive lost weed, clothes, money everything i cared about at all is slipping away. And i only have myself to blame

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its 5:48am- 3 or so hours since i last dreamed of her again. Im trying to remember exactly what the dream was about but y'know its just slipped. It scared me enough to wake up and not want to go back to sleep.. I guess i went to bed a lil early, 8.30pm cuz i was stoned as hell, now i wake up bright as a button from being petrified from you in my dream. I dont remember that dream but I remember another one I had.

We were doing something then all of a sudden i was alone with ur best friend in her room.. we started to do stuff but then i needed the bathroom- i walked in and it was tiny, then in the same room another door opened and it was your sister, but it didnt look like your sister it looked liked someone i knew from school, and there were cats all over the room and some were in cages then POOF i wake up. This time I only had to see your face to be scared out my dream lucy. I still dont have closure i mean its only been like almost 5 years now right? Arnt i supposed to be over this by now? You never told me why you left, u only told me u kiss somebody u didnt tell me if u still cared. She kissed somebody broke up with me then on the same day drove to see him. If it was a little fling they broke up pretty fast because a few weeks later i seen some other dude all up on ya ass. Then that dude wasnt there too long now theres this big geeky dude around and I still haven't seen u in 5 years. I treasure the time we had it was the best time in my life so how do i move on when all i dream about is fucked up dreams about you or someone who knows u. Everytime the weed wears off theres lick a stopwatch in my head that rings everytime i dream the subject turns to you and i get no sleep. I have no rest im tired all day everyday. I guess its just hit a point now, I just wish i could forget you or never have met you.

God I hate early mornings. 5:54am and counting 2009...23 yrs old.. feeling like im still 17. God I wish i could go back in time and stay there forever. If you hear this wish that is where I wanna go, I wanna stay 17 forever. PLease? I dont wanna grow up I dont wanna be alone. I want you to save me. But you never will. They say I can only help myself. But If id rather die then stay alive then how can i help myself. I cant help it tho.. I cant kill myself. Too scary, whatever fucking idiot said suicide is for cowards should try it sometime and see how cowardly they are. SO much hate anger neglection

I feel sick 5:57am
I want weed 5:58am
I miss my band with jonaz <3 5:58am
Damn i need to put some weight on. I've ate a shit load today and it just goes nowhere!
I need the doctor for lots of reasons i have stupid dry skin under my eye my ecsma on my scalp is itchy! With SCABS!
But I dont wanna go I dont wanna be seen, i look horrible! look so unhealthy and underweight.
Now my mam is going to work so I can eat and stuff 6:00am .. poor woman Having to look after me just because I cant look after myself. I shud really stop feeling sorry for myself tbh. I'd probably be happier.
I just feel so hopelessly depressed, especially now after looking at all the good times I used to have.
6:01am SO yeah world of warcraft servers are down xD.. this sucks..
my mam just caughed 6:01am
Hmm wish i had some weed. 6:01am

If u didnt notice im kinda just logging what im thinking right now.. 6:02am
I still feel sick Damnit i just fed you yesterday stfu stomach. 6:02am

Got no more pictures to upload the rest are gone forever :'(
Havent taken a new photo of myself in like months. if not a year now. 6:03am
Its alot because my dad moved away and i dont get to use his camera anymore- my mam and dad split up around 6 months ago or something and its been really hard on all of us.. My sister my mam and me. 6:03am
He's with a girl and my mam is kinda seeing this man from work but its all just fucked up. I dont think i ever want to meet either of them. 6:04am
This christmas is gonna suck ass.. like i love christmas alot because its always fun and i have food and its always beautifully done my aunty is a great cook. But this year my busty boo isnt here and my dad isnt going to be here either. 6:04am
MY life fucking sucks tbh. 6:05am
If i got my job back at the RPA i'd probably be like ok. Or if i never left in the first place! But I had to leave..
I really liked louise. N She kinda used me I didnt wanna be in the same place as her, I felt like shit at the time seeing her every day wanting her 6:06am
If it wasnt for that bitch BOE using me I wouldnt have lost her either and i probably wouldve still been kinda happy.
Even tho louise for the most part just made me feel totally miserable! And I know louise i shouldve quit weed to stay with you but I had problems- and they're still there. So. Ye.
6:07am Id have a contract by now if i hadve stayed. I left because I wanted to do something with my life. I looked around and seen people ages 40+50+60+ and i got scared, I didnt wanna make that into a career. Now I kinda regret it since shit got so much worse. I dont even have government money. IM so FUCKING poor.
my dad left and basically took all the income. 6:08am
My mam trys super hard to keep us afloat but its really difficult with me around.
She'd do fine without me. 6:08am
But untill I sort my life out she's never gonna get rid of me, im like a burden to everyone right now

So yeah please lucy get out my head. 6:09am
Im pretty sick of waking up this early with you in there.
So could you just leave me alone now.
We were together 2 years its not a big deal.
So u can go now ok? 6:10am
I'll just keep missing you.
Running out of thoughts now *lights cigarette* im in a dressing gown- god i must look so pathetic lol
MM apple juice. 6:11am
omg ONE CIGARETTE LEFT?!
Yeah i never used to smoke. even tho I miss being 17 so much.. its kinda where i fucked my life up. the road the lead me down this slippery track. I started smoking weed at 17 because alot of shit was going on man.. there was girls school, friends, places to go. I just got caught up innit, till one of my friends said try this when i was 16. I said no up untill the age of 17 and gave in for my own reasons..I had a hotcan outside college and i liked the feeling i got. Which is pretty bad. I couldn't help what i felt tho. I didnt see the wrong or harm in it. 6:13am

Shortly after I thought "cigarettes WHY the fuck not?" So when i didnt have weed i'd lend my friends cigarettes.. then i started buying them.. now.. *toke* here i am. I didnt even drink that much then. I dont even drink that much now.
If i could describe why i got stoned.. hmm. I guess its to block out alot of shit that I don't wanna remember, like shit that happened at school, my dad's accident, girlfriends etc. But mostly just to feel blank. To not think alot. Im told i over analyze things. But what if they under analyze everything.

6:16am I know I'm wrong right now- because I dont feel right. I need to pick myself up but dont have the strength or motivation, and the hole feels far too big to climb right now. If i had a gun id probably point at my temble and blow my brains out right after i submit this.
6:17am Some dumb fuck would probably just use this as an oppurtunity to demonize weed and say it was all its fault. So why bother. Since weed is the only relief i get from this life now. I have to give that up to? Yep.. its for the best.

6:20am SO i guess im done. My body is really tired again but my brain isn't.. Dunno what im gonna do now.
Think I might just look at youtube or something. I'll check my deviant again later, or upload some more shit if I find any that looks ok.
6:21am I miss the video's we used to make when we got fked up on all kinds of shit, but they got deleted somehow on another machine..
6:21am OK im going.
Bye xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx <3 <3 <3

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xxxxx this
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